31 October
I received a text message from a friend: “Hey, are you around from some steps in town today?”.
I looked out the window to see the sun shining, and texted back “Absolutely, see you in an hour”.
It happened to be Halloween, and as we walked, we spotted so many creative decorations in the neighbourhood. There were families taking their little ones trick-or-treating, and friends dressed up in costumes they had clearly spent time putting together, heading to what could only be a Halloween Party at the Natural History Museum.
Later, when we sat down for coffee, my friend and I spent some time talking about lost friendships. It got me thinking later that evening: why do festive seasons, in particular, bring up memories of old friends and relationships - and with them, a deep feeling of sadness?
The Comparison Spiral and the Anxiety of Adult Friendships
When we see a group of friends laughing, taking a group photo, or posting about a party they attended on social media, it is easy to think, “Why don’t I have a group like that?”. It can leave us feeling as if we’re missing out on an important part of growing up and of adult life.
It doesn’t help that figuring out how to make friends as an adult can feel so much more difficult than when we were kids at school - when befriending everyone required nothing more than a simple “hello”. Now, there is an underlying anxiety and awkwardness that comes with introducing ourselves to new people, hoping that they like us and want to go to parties, markets, or exhibitions with us.
As a result, we often find ourselves reflecting on old friendships and past relationships, feeling daunted by the prospect of having to put ourselves out there just to have someone to make memories with. Just so the festive seasons feel less lonely.
The Transience of London Life
London is a transient, fast-paced city. People move away, change careers, settle down, or get swallowed up by grueling commutes and demanding work schedules. Often, the only times we get to meet new people are at work, or through a friend of a friend, or via a partner’s social circle.
But what happens when those systems fail? How do we stay connected to people when those friendships break down? When we naturally drift apart, or find ourselves unable to bounce back from a conflict that ultimately leads to the end of a 10-year friendship? Friendship breakups carry a unique, silent grief. How do we find our people again?
When the festive season arrives, we tend to look at the empty seats and unused “plus ones”, and it triggers what therapy calls the “tyranny of shoulds”. You blame yourself for not putting yourself out there enough, or for not being someone who can effortlessly adapt to any group. In doin so, you forget that modern city life is almost structurally designed to isolate us.
It is a counterintuitive truth, but dealing with loneliness is rarely just about the literal number of people around you. True loneliness is the feeling of not being seen, heard, or understood for who you are. It is the sheer exhaustion of pretending to be okay, festive, or ‘fine’, when you feel a hollow sense of emptiness inside.
We get so caught up in the pressure to have a house full of people for Christmas dinner or a glamorous New Year’s Eve party to attend, that we forget that the festive cheer and lights are over in a few weeks. Eventually, we all resume everyday life, and the holiday pretense does nothing to solve how lonely and tired we really feel underneath.
How to navigate the upcoming season
Remove the self-blame: Remind yourself that struggling to find your people in a city like London is a systemic issue, not a personal flaw. Losing friends and partners is a painful but normal part of growing up - not everyone stays on the same page or holds the same values as an adult.
Acknowledge the grief: Give yourself permission to mourn the friendships, partners, or family dynamics that are no longer part of your life. Grief and loneliness belongs in the room, even on celebratory days.
Edit your input: if scrolling through social media feeds of perfect group holidays and festive gatherings triggers a spiral of comparison, consciously step away from the screen. Remember - social media is often a heavily edited highlight reel, not reality.
A space to sit with the emptiness
It is important to be honest here: therapy cannot hand you a new social circle by December. It cannot replace a missing partner, fix a fractured family, or instantly manufacture the deep friendships you crave.
But therapy can do something else entirely.
While it cannot replace relationships, therapy can change how you relate to yourself - which is the absolute foundation for eventually rebuilding connection with the world. If provides a warm, confidential, and entirely nonjudgmental space where you don’t have to pretend to be happy or hide your loneliness.
In therapy, we can sit safely with the emptiness, unpack the grief of old connections, and dismantle the crushing weight of who you “should “be or all the things you “should” have achieved before the end of the year. It is a place to stop running from the isolation and begin understanding what it is trying to tell you about what you truly value.
If you are dreading the upcoming festive season and want a supportive, local space to process these feelings and not feel alone with them, I offer face-to-face therapy at my practice in Spitalfields, East London, as well as online. Please feel free to reach out to book an initial consultation.
